It’s official, I am part of a unit. Being married is kinda weird sometimes.
People we know think of us in the same together – as a package. I’ve been pondering this in newlywed life. On the one hand, it is awesome that we are perceived as life partners not only in each other’s eyes, but other people’s as well. We are just the beginning, the foundation, of our own family. We are each other’s biggest supporters and confidantes (besides our own besties of course because I think one can have the life partner and a separate best friend(s)).
But I’m also afraid, not least of all in images like this.
I now have to tell Mr. Gadget if I wanted to plan a last minute trip to Paris (and possibly bring him as well).
I can’t eat all of the black cherry jam because he may want some too.
I can’t just pick up and move to a dream job in Bali without discussing it with him first.
Will I lose myself in being part of a unit? I always highly valued relationship independence – making sure that I had my own friends and interests outside of my boyfriend (now husband). That concern has especially been at the forefront of my mind because I moved to London for us, to support Mr. Gadget and had a really tough time professionally and emotionally (aka the job market here meant I had to search for a job in my old, not entirely beloved field). So did I do the right thing for us and for me?
It is a daily process and a series of tough decisions, but at the end it is a resounding yes. Because I am controlling my today and making peace with that. Thinking “what if” is a battle you will always lose.
I know I make some decisions differently because of us but they are still my decisions. The key is to be honest and communicative when I think I start to question them and then prioritize everything that is important to me and us. So it’s a list that is constantly being reviewed and checked.
I’m always keeping that list with me.
After all, I made the ultimate decision when I said “I do”. I chose Mr. Gadget, wanted in on this unit, and am totally happy with it.
But I’m still not doing matching cowboy shirts.
I love this post and can totally relate, I’m a very independent girl and at times it’s hard to be part of a pair but I chose it and I love it!
Yes, I think about this a lot. It is scary. But it is also nice to think about always having someone by your side, just in case you need company or help.
Marriage was quite an adjustment, not just for me but my hubs as well. We got married in our early 30’s and so we were both kinda settled in our own routines and ways of life. The trick was being able to spend time apart every now and again. I cherish my alone time. Now that I am a mother I get it so rarely. No matching clothing here!
What a wonderful essay. I can relate– even having been married for over five years now. For a while, we were in a state of constant togetherness, but now we have our own busy schedules, and it’s hard to even schedule a “date night.” Enjoy this time now, and remember to make time for togetherness, even as you find that your schedules are starting to diverge. LOL- I love the cowboy shirt picture. GENIUS. 😉
I am so with you on this post as I consider the future. I have totally freedom but to be in a good marriage, giving up a little means getting alot in return. : )
i completely agree. but the thing is that in the past couple years i realized that i wouldn’t have taken that dream Bali job without discussing it with him anyway… plus, now i have someone to run to the store to pick up the blackberry jam. (mm!)
Haha…the hubs and I don’t like the matchy matchy thing either. It’s too much. It’s possible to be a unit and still have your own voice.
I love this post! I don’t think that being married changes things in that way anyway. We’d probably still be talking to them about important decisions, and saving all kinds of food they like! I am also with you on the cowboy shirts! 🙂
i can totally relate. it can be hard to be ‘me’ since we are always ‘we’.
it took me a long time to be ‘me’ just in terms of our relationship. we’ve been together since we were 14 and have been living together since 18. i’d say from 18-28 we were NEVER apart. there actually was some jealously on both parts if someone wanted to do something without the other. thankfully that changed, we grew up and matured and now have ‘me’ in addition to ‘we’. it’s hard to find that perfect balance but it’s so worth it once u do.
I think it is all part of the bumps and issues we confront as newlyweds. My thoughts on my new marriage change according to the day, the weather, my moods, etc. But I think it’s because it is a big change, and involves a lot of unknown territory. I think you are doing a good job by recognizing the need to examine identity and being true to ourselves. Great post!
One day, my husband and I were walking to a coffee shop and I looked over and realized we were wearing matching outfits 9luckily that just meant a black shirt and khaki shorts in this instance, but still…) My husband nearly turned around to go home and change, he was so embarrassed. Anyway, all that team building and learning the give-and-take becomes 100% necessary, practical, and appreciated when you have children, so just think of yourself as practicing. Life kinda goes in seasons… right now maybe it is your season to support him, and someday it will be your season to be supported. Every day and even every year may not look totally balanced, but through a lifetime I really feel it is when you have found the right person. Thanks for the thought-provoking post!
Such a heart-warming post! Welcome to the club!!! Married life rocks. It’s fun to share everything with that one special person. I’ve been married for 7 years now and enjoying every single day of it… cheesy but true!
Have a great married life!!!! =)
This is a really great post.
And that photo of the matching shirts cracked me up!
If he is the right guy he would let you eat the jam, and always say no to the plai cowboy shirts.
XOXOX
Libby
http://fashionconfectionairy.weebly.com
I get that. I had a boyfriend who once broke up with me because all of his friends started treating him and referring to him as this ‘unit’ you speak of with me. We were young (19 and 20) and he couldn’t handle being that ‘tied’ to a girlfriend where his best friends would ask where I was when he showed up somewhere by himself. Funny thing is, we have remained good friends now 17 years later and he and his wife will most likely attend my wedding this April 🙂
I love how you processed through this phase and change as a newlywed…it’s important to acknowledge, discuss, think on and then accept. And I agree, no matching outfits…really not necessary.
I loved my single gal life…but being the hubs’ Mrs…beats it hands down!
As someone who hasn’t yet met her life partner but hopes to someday, this post really resonates with me. I value being an independent woman who does her own thing when she feels like it, and I wonder how (or if) that will change when I finally meet the person I want to start a family with.
We didn’t marry until I was 44, so this whole living together/sharing has been a big adjustment. But yeah – it beats being alone! And it’s sure nice to have someone around to keep me warm.
Although wait — if I hadn’t been tricked into moving to Milwaukee from Memphis, I wouldn’t need someone to keep me warm. Hmmmm.
I know exactly what you mean, I’ve very independent & I have to keep reminding myself that we make decisions together because like you said we are a unit, but also like you said it’s important to stay true to oneself too. I say “me” a lot & my FI keeps reminding me that it is “we” now.
This is a really great post. Oddly, last night I dreamed my hubby was offered work at the US Post Office. I know it sounds like a pretty strange dream but there we both were making the choice together to take the job or move on . . .
Great post….although I’m not married, the longer the BF and I are dating, the more I realize, we’re unit. i.e. I can’t just get up and move to Asia…something I would have done as a single gal. Like you said, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just a different way of thinking.